This week I'm kind of focussing on prayer, by posting some prayers that I think are cool. This one is adapted from the Bible (Ephesians 1:17 &18)

 It isn't a long prayer, but is packed with stuff. In this prayer, I'm praying that God spirit will awaken the spirit within me so that I can see Him and understand the world as He does. Then I'm not just asking for "brain" knowledge, but for hear knowledge.

The eyes of my heart? That is a figurative phrase for the place in me in which my will and emotions reside. I'm asking God to seat His wisdom deep within me so that my motivations in life are born out of who He is. When a relationship with the Lord rests deep within who I am, I live my life based on who He is. It is a relationship of love. It leads to hope.

The hope that results from this prayer is unshakable if it is a hope that is deeply seated in Christ. It is possible to have a hope that continually springs up from inside you. Hope that can not be destroyed. Unshakable hope. Such a hope arises from inviting the Lord Christ to dwell in the deepest reaches of who you are. The hope springs from God, not from me.

Adam

P.S. I've feel like I've only scratched the surface on this one. I'm not a theologian, so I'm not sure that I've touched on this well even. It's so important though. If you have any questions about it, or comments, or want to point out where I missed something, click on the comment link below.

If you remember I had mentioned that I was going off all medication associated with Fibromyalgia, pain, sleep, or depression. It's amazing how good I feel actually. I still wake each night at about midnight, and then again at 2am feeling like some one drove a spike through my hip. Lots of tightness and stiffness as well. The worst is that the lack of sleep leaves me in a fog. I understand that my condition is mild compared to some.

By God's grace I've grown through this experience. I pray more than I once did. My wife and I are starting to pray together before we go to bed, and I'm turning to the Bible in times of struggle instead of TV or something else.

So on Tuesday, I find out if I quality for a drug study for this new Fribromyalgia drug. It's an open label study so I know I'll be getting the drug. I want to go through the trial since I've committed to it, but there is a part of me that is pondering the benefits that I've received through a growing and intensifying relationship with the Lord. Part of what has helped is that the anti-depressive I was on helped me sleep, and kept me from feeling depressed. It also kept me from feeling.

So strangely enough my ability to respond to God on one level has become more difficult as I am often groggy, and at the same time I am having a deeper "heart level" experience now that I am more able to fully tap into my feelings.

Most of my feelings of late are of brokenness. Today as Pastor preached, I began to feel quite small. I don't mean demeaned in any way. Perhaps I should say that my estimation of God grew quite large. I felt humbled, and broken in my pride and arrogance. At times I couldn't sing, I could just stand and weep. That has been happening to me all week. I kept asking God, "Is this real? Is this what happens to people when they meet you or am I just comming unhinged without an anti-depressant?"

As a rule I find most emotions to be a curious and often confusing things (long story, just go with it). I've heard others speak of uncontrolled weeping as a symptom of depression, but my tears don't flow just for any reason.

My daughter got baptized tonight. I was deeply moved and grateful to God, but I didn't weep, I just sort of got teary eyed. I weep when I hear a song that speaks to God's infinite holiness, his grandeur or God's gift of sending His son to die on the Cross. Just thinking of it right now, breaks my heart, breaks my feelings of self sufficiency, breaks my selfish pride. To realize how high, holy, and apart God is from us. He who dwells within inapproachable light. The high and holy one. This one came in the flesh and allowed Himself to become sin for me so that I could be counted righteous before God.

To say I have no words for this would look silly considering I've just written the better part of a page, but lately when I consider God, who He is, and His great gift of life to me, I am stunned to silence, and can only offer thanks.

So, I ask myself, after I take part in the six week (or was it six month) test of this drug, what do I do after that? Do I go back to all of my old prescriptions because that's what my family doctor and a specialist have guessed might help? I've made a decision about that. It will seem really basic and simple. You'll probably think, "Duh, that's what you're supposed to do." I'm going to pray about it first. Is it possible that some of this pain that I experience could be a tool that God uses to refine my character and make me more like Himself? At what point do I allow it or even welcome it's refining characteristics?

Doesn't that sound purely goofy? We pray about everything (or should be) except if we should grab the next jar of pills to fix what ever hurts. Is God calling me to pray through this and look for new ways? I've already started to do that. I've doubled my exercise regimen. Don't get exited I don't do that much. Instead of riding 8 miles three days a week, I'm working toward six days a week of 8 miles (of at least some riding). I'm pushing the physical therpy regimen that the PT recommended. It doesn't do as much as a pill, and it takes more effort, but I can see the difference. More importantly, I'm struggling to make prayer and studying God's word a priority in my day, every day. I believe that has done as much as the exercise.

I'll keep you posted.

The new frog has no warts.

They never do.

You've been with someone for a while: friend, pastor, teacher, boss. . . After a while frustration can develop. Something like a wall is erected in the relationship. It's happened to me. The wall is a giant pile of the stuff I see in the other person's life. Stuff that bugs me. Stuff I don't like. Character flaws, failings, bad habbits, inconsistent behavior . . . This stuff piles up in the attitudes of my mind; brick by brick, like a wall. My thoughts could be on my wife, my best friend or my pastor. When that wall is there it looms large. It renders other wives, friends, pastors, etc as practically perfect by comparison.

Unless the wall is breached, the barrier broken down, the relationship cools. It's quite impossible to make love through a wall. Or to join hands, hsare one's soul. Walls are fabulous for keeping something out and other things in.

Walls isolate.

Walls can be really good.

Keep people safe.

Keep bad things out.

During the winter the walls of my house hold in the warmth, and keep the cold winds out.

But when walls are invisible bricks made out of what I think are some one else’s faults . . . those wall blind me, chill me. They magnify the faults or warts on some one I love.

Then along comes a new frog. New frogs have no warts. They never do. That's because they're new. Too new for me to notice the welts and crevices of imperfection. It's so sad to see people leaping from relationship to relationship, changing jobs, reveling in what's new until some new new thing arrives. Man, consumer goods manufacturers make a lot of money off of people that are convinced that the next new thing will be the one to make them happy.

It's just a big stupid lie.

My job is no more or less frustrating now then the last one was. Changing jobs won't make me happy. It will just add stress. There is no perfect job, but I keep thinking there must be. Sometimes I wonder why the job I have now couldn't have stayed perfect.

It's easier to run away, and keep running. That way I can keep thinking the perfect will arrive with the next new thing.

The new frogs have no worts.

What a stupid way to think.

Had a dream a couple nights ago that I was helping birth a child. I was not a doctor in the dream, but I was helping a woman deliver, and then cleaning up the baby.

My wife says that a dream like that symbolizes an internal belief that something new and hopeful is comming my way.

This morning before I woke up, I had a dream that I was testing a road. Somehow I would drive an icepick into the asphalt, and somehow determine the depth of the road. It reminds me of the the new Sojourn CD, "The Journey Continues".

I should call it a new CD, we are just finishing up on the studio work.

So perhaps I believe that there is something new coming my way, and I am being careful to test it's depth or substance. Am I unwilling to so easily dive into the shallow? Perhaps it's an urge for lasting change in my life.

Birthing an infant is certainly a lasting change.

Often my dreams revolve around a very old house that is very much in need of repairs (like my house now). The house in my dream is often the same one: quite tall and rather gothic in appearance. In this series of dreams there is a room on the upper floor at the back corner of the house that is in desperately bad shape. The floor slopes up, and completely unsound and about ready to collapse.

This room is hidden behind some partially conceals doors. You have to enter through another room to get there. One of these dreams I was just trying to decide with the dangerous floor. It was unstable and bounced wildly when I walked on it. Later I remember having a dream in which I simply put a good coat of paint on the room.

I woke up from that thinking well covering it up won't fix the damage. Interestingly enough, God has been dealing with me to be an authentic person.

Say what I believe.

Believe what I say.

Do what I say I believe.

One way I describe authentic is "What you see is what you get". However, to really get my idea of authentic is adding to that by saying, "What you see in me is what I believe is true". I want to hold fast to my beliefs and live them out. I want to be the real deal. So, one of my prayers to God is that He will change me. I want to be an example of how God can transform a man into some one who is like Jesus.

So, I don't just want to make a show of it. I don't just want to look good, look like a Christian on the surface, but be unstable on the inside. I want my insides to show on the outside, and I want my inside and my outside to be equally pleasing to Christ.

So, I suppose like the dream with the road, I'm testing to see how deep my life goes. Making every effort to dig deep into myself and ask for change. Dig deep into the word, and strive to have a prayer life that is intimate and genuine.

I suppose something new is being born within me. I pray that it grows in strength and is a reflection of the savior.

Curious what happens in the next dreams.

What are some dreams that you've had? Dreams that seem to say something to you.

Adam

Can't sleep.

This is fairly typical for me on Sunday nights. I get all stirred up on Sundays, and its very difficult to make the transition. It was a wonderful day of worship, study, and encouraging others. The times of prayer were rich.

It was cool to be in this sort of prayer zone in which my conversation with God reflected a heart of longing for Him and not a grocery list of stuff I want.

My Sunday school group was really wound up. It's like some one slipped something in their juice this morning. Yet, in the midst of the wiggles, giggles, and rowdy behavior were real questions about the Bible, and God. It's a fearful thing in a way. They have such trust in me as a teacher. God help to give wise and truthful answers.

Still tapering off of the Zoloft, but this is not as I expected. I'm getting the foggy thinking that I expected, and I'm acting more autistic, but the pain has not come roaring back. I'm very pleased, and can only credit God's work in my life.

I am humbled by such a testimony. In comparison to most my situation is mild. Frankly, I don't feel like I can tell some one in such a painful situation to go read Romans 8:28. Yet this individual who has encountered overwhelming physical pain testifies to me quite clearly that Christ is the only means of survival. Imagine the inner strength that is built up from grabbing hold of the Lord for your very survival and hanging on for all that you're worth. It seems great pain has been the tool that God uses to shape some into His image.

It takes me back to Romans 8:28. The promise that God has planned everything in the Christian's life to work for our good. The promise is only to those who are God's children: Christian's. Those whose lives lead the in separate direction from God have no such promise of good. In fact those who are not belonging to Christ have nothing but pointless pain to expect from trials and struggles.

As my relationship and experience with God grows, I encounter more and more discovery, delight, and joy. There are difficulties as well. Frankly, sometimes I get angry with God. More often these days, I simply marvel at the way He touches my life. Every consistent and faithful. Ever lovingly bringing what is ultimately for my best, even if it brings great pain. Only God knows all the reasons for what He brings into my life.

I am growing into the knowledge that I can always trust God to do what is good, right, and best for me and for His own glory.

Enjoy hearing your comments. Feel free to use the comments link at the end of this message.

If you want to know more about what it means to REALLY be a Christian, please e-mail me. I would love to tell you more.

Adam Parmenter

If you've been reading this lately you'll know that I'm tapering off a medication that control a chronic pain condition called Fibromyalgia. I'm tapering off one in order to start taking a different one. Well, yesterday was a surpassingly good day. Partly in fear of increased pain, I've become dogmatic of riding to work each day, and lifting weights. I believe that has really helped.

Another surprise is that without the neutralizing effects of Zoloft, my mind has reawakened in a way that I'm not sure how to describe. Some of the old emotional crap has returned as well. There are small waves of despair or anxiety that drift through my mind. The new experience however is that there is a simultaneous hope and confidence in the Lord.

I've been thinking more about Romans 8:28 from yesterday's blog. I don't if I brought this up or not, but John Piper made a really good point. I'm going to grab something that he brought out and lay it down here, because it's big. It's kinda weird too.

It starts in Genesis chapter 50 and verse 20.

Joseph is speaking.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." NIV translation

If you are not familiar with the man Joseph, he was one of Jacob's kids. O.K. Jacob is in the family line of people that were chosen by God to represent Him to the world. God's chosen people are the Jews, the people of Israel. O.K. so they aren'y doing a great job of it these days, but the first section of the Bible is the account of God working in and through them to save the world.

Anyway, chosen or not, Joseph's brothers were a jealous, self-serving bunch. They got the idea that Joseph might be destined to be a great ruler, and they took measures to stop it. They sold Joseph off to slave traders and then told his dad (Jacob) that a wild animal had killed Joseph.

If you want to read it for yourself, it's in the Bible in Exodus starting in chapter 37. Well, Joseph's brothers only had it half right. In those days, the dad of the family, was more like a king of his family group. Jacob's children and grand children, great grand children, etc. where under his authority. When Jacob died, the role of family or clan ruler would go to the first born son. Jacob had sons from four women (big mistake). Which first born would be the next ruler?

Jacob's first born son of the first woman he married was Rueben. Joseph was the first born of his second, but favorite wife. I didn't say these people were perfect. If being perfect were a requirement for God's service, then nothing would happen. That's why we need God.

So, Jacob wasn't real smart when it came to marital stuff.

God gave Joseph these mysterious dreams that made the rest of them wonder if he was destined to be their ruler, so his brothers got rid of him. What happened next is that Joseph went through years of disappointment and suffering only to later rise to a position of great power in the nation of Egypt. A position which enabled Joseph to offer protection to his family from a worldwide famine.

So, here's the weird part. Joseph's brothers had every intention of doing him harm. They mean it for evil. God had planned for Joseph to go through what he did in order to make him ready for a position of leadership and a great work of salvation. God fully intended for what happened to take place. God planned it for good.

So, it wasn't as if something bad happened to Joseph, and God said, 'oops!" I’d better fix it. Can you imagine God saying, 'Man, that's not good, I'll just shift this so that it works out well in the end.' What John Piper pointed out is that it would be hard to trust that God is able to fix things, if He couldn't see the bad stuff coming in the first place. Who’s to say that when He tries to turn our bad times for the good, that his good intentions won't go just as badly.

Romans 8:28 is does not make that a possibility, it is an absolute assurance. It leaves no room for doubt. God works all things for good, because he has been involved in our circumstances from the beginning, and we have never been outside or absent from His special work in our lives.

Of course, this promise is only to his children. Those who have a true and intimate relationship with Jesus.  Christians.

Maybe I can talk more about that tomorrow.

It's starting to lightening out. That means no biking to work. I'll have to get my wife out of bed so that she can drive me in.

Later.

Adam